Isn't it funny how sometimes the thing we love the most is also the thing that causes us the most pain? Excruciating pain. Not necessarily because it brings horrible memories, but more so because as our lives start to change our interest does too and you never want to admit it. That 'thing,' whatever it may be, a boyfriend, a best friend, an activity... you hate to face that the joy it once brought to your heart no longer exists.
It was like love at first sight when my bat first contacted the softball the very first time I stepped up to the plate. Right then I knew I wanted to be big. The feeling was so empowering, I felt like a new threat and it motivated me, I wanted to be the underdog. For years I tweaked my gameplay to be at the top, I wanted to make it to the college level. Every summer morning for three straight years my daddy graciously woke me up and we went to the gym and worked out, then immediately practiced our fundamentals after that. I was never cocky, I always thought I was the underdog in a way that I had a lot to prove. I never thought I was some superstar, but I wanted to surprise people.
My biggest motivator had to be my daddy. He took me out every day constantly pushing me... One thing he said that will always stick in the back of my head, "Em, you have untapped potential." I never let him get away with it without an eye roll, but truly it made my heart beat faster. I saw myself with the big girls, I pictured myself making amazing dive catch plays and stealing home for the winning run. I wanted it all, not for the glory but simply because of the feeling I got when I achieved that goal. My parents were never the kind to be dishonest with me and tell me things if they didn't believe it, maybe that's why it motivated me so much. The realistic view of life they provided me made me think that their point of view on my gameplay must hold some sort of weight.
For some reason that one liner my dad always shot at me I let apply to every aspect of my life. I thought I could do something amazing to change the world, I figured I had untapped potential in some aspects and I didn't want them to go to waste...
As many people know I officially committed to CBC softball my Senior year, after the years of hard work, my goal was accomplished... I made it to college play! I was extremely excited to move forward on this journey, I was ecstatic about starting college and beginning my life as an adult. Fall ball started off in September 2015, although my gameplay was limited due to a previously broken hand and horrible tendonitis, I was so stoked to be able to play. It felt good to be on the field after a couple months of recovery... (and a lot of Netflix ;) Fall ball season ended and I felt great about it, I was excited to work on fundamentals all winter to prepare myself for the spring.
"The world is so unpredictable. Things happen suddenly, unexpectedly. We want to feel we are in control of our own existence. In some ways we are, in some ways we're not. We are ruled by the forces of chance and coincidence." -Paul Auster
Truly, I don't know that I can pinpoint an exact time that it all started. I remember when we began our winter schedule and something inside me was telling me I was missing out, eventually I told myself that I would finish out the season and put everything I had out on the field and end on a good note, unfortunately life doesn't always agree with our plans, and we usually never win that battle...
The beginning of our spring season, actually... the first day we stepped out on the field for the first time in months was when I really saw myself letting go. Many coaches and players in my past probably know that I am a HUGE perfectionist and it showed in an extremely negative way on the field this season. I don't believe I was ever outright rude to my team, but it was rude of me to bring my team down because of my personal pity parties. I noticed that because my mind was starting to veer away from softball, my focus on the field was too, and it showed during games. I struck out at my games more than I ever have before, and you don't even want to ask me about my errors on the field. I felt embarrassed and exposed, and like a lousy player. However, my feelings of lousiness didn't stem from the errors, it stemmed from my attitude. I constantly came in the dugout and would instantly get so upset for letting my team down, and of course like the good teammates they were, they would take their focus off of the game to comfort me.
I figured this was all a phase, I had slumps like this in the past and reacted the same way but instead of being motivated to get better at practice like in the past, I was depressed. I didn't want to. I cried myself to school almost every day for a month straight. I cried whenever anything happened on the field, my anxiety levels rose tremendously. My anxiety ended up reaching such a high that during one of our first games, I stole home and everyone cheered, but because of past mistakes in the game I ran into the dugout and had a complete panic attack. I started hyperventilating, crying immensely and kept telling myself "Stop! Why are you doing this? You are crazy, you NEED to calm down before you pass out." I could not control my anxiety and I could tell it had little to do with the mistakes, but my own personal emotional issues.
It's always hard for someone to face reality when they don't want the chapter to end like they anticipated it to. For me, letting go of this sport that has brought me so much joy and feelings of accomplishment, endless friendships and amazing coaches was much harder than I thought. Going out like this was embarrassing for me, it still is... which is probably why it has taken me so long to post this. But addressing issues with myself has always been my number one priority and this was a huge one. I have been depressed and have had extremely high levels of anxiety the past four or five months. That is one of the hardest pills to swallow, I always wanted to be the girl everyone admired because of my ability to juggle everything life threw my way, and in my eyes I couldn't. My coach had pulled me into his office and told me that softball seemed to be in the way, instantly I broke down in tears because although with every ounce in my heart I wanted to deny it, I couldn't. I think where some may not connect is that for my teammates, softball was their escape... from reality and a place to have fun doing something they love. For me it became more of a job for me, and less and less of an escape every passing day.
One thing that I hope people get out of this that may be going through the same is to 1. Not be afraid or embarrassed to address these issues, whether it's a sport, or a job, or a lifestyle, if you find yourself falling into these symptoms, take an honest look at yourself and address the reasons why you are there! 2. Don't think of yourself as a failure. Every day I have to convince myself that God has a plan for me and even quitting my sport is a part of it, no matter how untimely it was. Even if you have to say 1,000x over every single day, DO IT. It can only get better from there. 3. You are not a "quitter" if you decide to better yourself for the sake of your mental and emotional wellbeing, no matter how negative the situation may seem. 4. Finally, If you are a believer, even if you are not, trust that God has a spectacular plan that is a trillion times better than any ideas you could think up on your own. Don't be afraid to trust in his timing and his plans for your life, praise him in the good times and praise him in the bad.
Just a note to my softball girls and coaching staff at CBC... I am so thankful for each one of you. There is a part of each of you, a trait that you individually possess that I am envious of. I admire your drive and passion for what you do, and I am SO stoked to see you all whoop everyone at NWAC's this year. ;)
IE: I am so thankful I got the chance to know and meet you, you are seriously one of the most kind hearted and soft spoken people I have ever met, with a little side of sass ;) I am so happy you joined the team because you are an asset!
Carlie and T: Honestly, I am so grateful for you two because no matter what happened between our team, if there was an argument between certain players, you two always stayed neutral and you showed respect towards everyone around you. That is a trait that I will always admire and continuously strive towards!
Kari: Seriously girl... I LOVE your sass! You were such fun to be around, you were the only person that I constantly was throwing little digs at but you would throw them right back, way better than mine, lol! I am so grateful I got to know you this year :)
Gabby: It was so fun knowing you this season... I always loved being around you, because you were the only one on the team that laughed at 99% of my jokes, who wouldn't love that, right? I am so happy I got to meet you this year!
Kadi: Oh Kadi... You are seriously crazy... in the best way possible! It took me a long time to warm up to you mostly because I love being around quiet people, and also because I swore I played with you in years past and almost never heard a peep out of you, so I was a little confused ;) But, I absolutely love your vibrant personality and loved how you could always crack a joke and seriously instantly make me loosen up! I am so grateful for you and I hope you know that!
Kayla: K, I absolutely loved this year with you and I'm so glad we even shared a class this year with each other! It was fun getting to know you outside of softball and it was always nice to talk to you about stuff in my life because you are an extremely good listener to all my annoying problems!
Maddy: Maddddyyyy, you are seriously hilarious. I truly don't think I talked to you all that much until spring season but you are an absolute sassy thing! I loved getting to know you and I absolutely love your passion for the game and your ability to let the girls know where they could improve. BTW, if you ever need robot dancing lessons, you have my number!
Connell: Connell I loved having you on the team because it was nice having someone just as confused as me 99% of the time. Someone could understand my pain! ;) lol, but on a serious note I loved getting to know you and you have one of the sweetest and giving hearts I have ever met!
Adi: Adiiii! Or should I say Dory? haha! Just kidding, I loved joking around with you in the outfield this year, I think you saw more of my tears than anyone else and you were always instant with your reaction of reassurance and love. You always helped me by cracking a joke and making me take every situation much more lightly!
Suz: So pretty much you're my bestie, and I love that we hang out like you know... "all the time" ;). You are so funny and one of the only people that literally could laugh with me about the stupidest, most impossible thought up scenarios. I love you for that!
Keondra: Keko I am SO grateful for you! You are one of the absolutely naturally funniest people I have ever met. Even more than that, I love your attitude about life in general, like coach said, no one would ever be able to tell if you just hit a home run or made four errors, that is a characteristic that I admire SO much, you inspire so many and you don't even realize it!
Sarah: Momma Sar! One thing I miss the most is your hugs! You are a completely nurturing human being and that is the one thing I love about you! If we were having our best day or our worst day, you are always there to show love and I absolutely loved having you as a teammate for that. You pushed me in the best way possible and constantly picked me up when I was down, I am so thankful for this season with you!
Bri: Brianna! I am so grateful for our friendship and all of the times I have spent with you. I have said it before but it is true that if I had a sister, I imagine it would be a relationship like we have ;) I am so grateful for you and how you were always comforting to me when I was down, I love that we could both push each other by pointing out things we noticed about our form and not get offended! It has been so much fun having you as a friend and a teammate.
Meg: Meg... Where do I begin? Honestly. You have been an inspiration to me from day one. When I met you I knew we would be close, something about your persona just told me that you're a fighter. You have always been such a blessing to me in that you have shown me how not to back down from challenges, but run straight through them. You have taught me a lot about not letting the hard times in life beat me down to the point where I just lie down and die. You have inspired me in ways I don't think you could EVER comprehend. You are so motivating because you look to finish the race and you don't seek recognition. Thank you for comforting me always and understanding what I'm going through and giving me advice to keep pushing. It means so much that you understand my reasoning behind leaving, your approval meant the most to me. I love you!
Adrian: I honestly have never had a coach that is as motivating as you. between your talks in the circle or the motivational videos you sent us, it motivated me to accomplish. You pushed me in the most positive possible way, you never sugarcoated my mistakes and I loved that. I am going to miss your crazy stories and hilarious jokes, I will miss your fatherly-like advice and care for me and the team. It means more than you know that I had the opportunity to be coached by you and it was really hard to let you know that I couldn't continue on, but I hope you know none of it had to do with you or the team.
This year I learned a lot about myself and I am so grateful for the friendships that have been made, I am grateful for this sport which has taught me countless lessons over the past 8 years. One thing I have learned is that softball has taught me lessons that go far beyond the field, and translate into real life situations. I have learned how to work with different personalities and adapt to each. I have learned what hard work really is and how reaching that goal doesn't happen by sitting on your tush. I have also learned through softball that life isn't all about softball... because when you hang up your cleats there is real life adult decisions that you have to address, unfortunately I had to sooner than I thought. Addressing your emotional issues is one of the hardest yet most rewarding and self-helpful things you can do. To be honest, without softball I don't think I ever would have addressed those issues, so I am extremely happy for this 8 year rollercoaster of a ride. I am so thankful for this sport, all my coaches and my teammates in the past and present, each team has taught a different lesson and I couldn't be more appreciative for that. Thank you to my mom and dad for the thousands of games they have had to attend and also the thousands of dollars they have had to spend... :) I am so excited to close this chapter and see what God has in store for me.
